If you’ve been following this blog of mine for a little while, you will know how unexpected it was for me to enjoy breastfeeding and to enjoy it so much (if you missed it or are interested, you can read about my BF journey here). It was also very unexpected that I would continue to nurse past one year as, similar to most first-time mamas, I thought after one year, breastmilk was done! Ha!
This is so far from the truth + I think there are a lot of mothers in the world who do continue to nurse but do not admit it in fear of being shamed or questioned or invalidated (especially in the Western World).
ANYWAY.
I am very lucky to have a great support system around me but the subject of weaning has come up in my life quite a bit lately. Maybe it’s due to the fact that amongst my circle of friends and family, I am the only mama who still nurses on demand. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t emotional about it all.
Like, very emotional about it.
There are so many emotions surrounding breastfeeding + maybe because it feels so deeply personal (um, hello, they are my breasts!) and all-encompassing, the idea of it coming to end just sends me into a whirlwind of ugly crying.
As mothers, we strive for our children to be happy, healthy, and comforted to the very best of our abilities and when a very big piece of our child’s well-being is directly related to our body and breastfeeding, well, it can feel so deeply personal and one can feel riddled with guilt. I know I do and I haven’t even started the weaning process + I am still undecided on when or how I am going to go about doing so. I don’t even know if it’s really necessary for us right now, I mean, hey, don’t fix what ain’t broken! Amiright?
Typically when parenting topics come up here + there, I don’t get down on my decisions or choices I have made or the viewpoints I have. I am me and my family is mine + at the end of the day, we’re all in this crazy, wild, beautiful world together, so to each their own. But when the subject of weaning comes up, I can feel myself become increasingly stressed.
Maybe it’s because I am scared that my relationship with George will radically change.
Maybe it’s because I know how much GBB enjoys it + he gets a lot of comfort from nursing.
Maybe it’s because I think mothering through breastfeeding is beautiful + special.
Maybe it’s because I don’t know how to go about doing it gradiently + respectfully.
Maybe it’s because I am worried that our bond won’t be as strong or we won’t be as connected.
Maybe it’s because the freedom of no longer breastfeeding makes me slightly excited.
Maybe it’s because I feel serious guilt for the excitement + mild relief it gives me.
Maybe it’s because the idea of re-defining myself separate from GBB becomes more real without BF.
Maybe it’s because breastfeeding is my go-to for all areas of mothering my child.
Maybe it’s because making the active choice to stop providing that emotional support and comfort to my son breaks my heart.
Maybe it’s because we’re not ready.
And ya know, that’s okay. It really is okay. And although there are times when I just wish we were done with it all so that Aaron could put GBB to bed when I’m tired or if I want to be out late (haha, where?), I really don’t think it’s our time yet.
The way I think about mothering my child through breastfeeding is this (now would be a good time for me to communicate that although I am very-pro breastfeeding, I am equally as pro-feed-your-child/fed is best!), I can provide shelter, clothing, water, food, and all the physical survival necessities of life for my son. But with breastfeeding + the comfort and safety that comes with that, it helps his emotional needs + it is my job as his mother to ensure that he is taken care of all-around: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When and if there is an upset in George’s universe, I can literally hold him and nurse him and it soothes him to no end. It’s quite amazing and especially as he is getting bigger + becoming more and more independent, having those cuddles and being able to soothe him, ugh, it really makes my heart flutter.
My relationship with breastfeeding is ever-changing, very much like my relationship with George. And I know in my heart of hearts that there will be a time when we are both comfortable + ready to wean and until that moment comes, I will soak it all up: the cuddles, the quick sips, and the little grabby hands down my shirt always when it is the most inconvenient and inappropriate of times + places. Seriously, what is with that?
If you’ve missed it or are interested, you can read all about my nursing must haves here.
XO