Chasing Dreams

Failure. My least favourite “F” word. I have a few very favourite words that start with that letter…like, funfetti ;)

ANYWAY.

Recently I had been chatting with a friend of mine about failure in respect to a career (but this is very much applicable to all aspects of life), and we were talking about the moment when you realize that maybe chasing your dream isn’t as fun as it once was or you feel like you’ve failed time and time again that you literally CAN’T EVEN think about taking one more step towards that goal. You just feel like a complete disaster: you’ve wasted time, energy, money, and the notion that others will find out that you aren’t chasing that dream anymore feels bone-crushingly overwhelming (and scary!). You feel like you’ve sorta lost yourself and your purpose. Yeah.

Well, I’m here for ya babe.

Because, I’ve been there. HARD. Aaaaaand I’ve been there multiple times. It’s awful every single time.

So, for some backstory, I moved from my hometown to Toronto to pursue a career in acting. I wanted to transition from theatre and focus on the film industry in one of the busiest + most artistic cities in Canada. This was over 9 years ago. I have always been a performer/entertainer (through + through) and I started taking professional acting classes at the age of 9. It was always my dream to be an actress. I continued taking classes + eventually went to the performing arts high school in Ottawa. I graduated from the Drama program in 2004 and went off to University to get a degree (because that’s what you’re supposed to do, right?) + was completely unfulfilled. I knew I was missing the huge creative part of myself and although I was taking a weekly Acting for Film + Television class, it just wasn’t up to snuff.  I decided one day (during an incredibly life-changing acting workshop) that I was going to drop out of Uni and move to Toronto to pursue my dream career. I didn’t know anyone in the city, really. I had one childhood friend who was studying fashion in the city and thank my lucky stars there was a room in the over-crowded apartment that she lived in. I had a place to live and I had atleast one friend. I am still so thankful for her friendship–she made that massive transition in my life so much easier (hi kelly!).

The move was terrifying. I had a really rough go for the first month and a bit. I shed a lot of tears but I persisted because I really wanted to act. I wanted to take the best classes with the best coaches + work on incredible projects, tell stories, and live my dream.

Even writing this now makes my eyes tear up because it was so real how bad I wanted this dream to become a reality. I wanted to help others through art. I wanted to help others better the conditions in which they lived. I wanted to create and inspire. I wanted to have fun!

Fast forward a few years + a whole lot of random jobs here and there (mostly all in the restaurant industry with the very brief stint at Medieval Times…seriously), agents, auditions, headshot sessions, tears, life-affirming + moving workshops, lifelong friendships, booked work, and some serious self-doubt. Self-doubt like, woah.

SO.

Once I got pregnant with George, I decided to take a break from the industry + focus on my job at the bakery that I loved and obviously focus on the expansion of my family (and my waistline). It felt liberating. I felt so genuinely happy. I was working in a very creative field (cakes are masterpieces in their own right and although I was not decorating them, the bakery I worked at was always hustling + bustling and run by a super boss lady and I was incredibly inspired on the daily) and I started to blog more and more.

There have been many times that I felt (very strongly) that I failed myself. I failed at the hustle; the acting game. I would panic before auditions; literally, I dreaded them. I failed at showing others that I was a “real” actress, that I wasn’t doing what I said I was going to do, and that I wasn’t talented enough blah blah blah. I cared so much what other people thought. I was so caught up in the desire of praise + approval from others. Ugh. That is no way to live a life, you guys. And I’m not perfect so I would be lying if I told you I didn’t sometimes get wrapped up in the need for approval these days.

ANYWAY.

This failure completely opened the door for me to pursue other artistic avenues.  Because of this failure, I have the opportunity to plan and style parties + weddings (making things beautiful makes me soooooooo happy!!), and I get to write for this sweet little blog of mine.

I am thankful for the new friendships that I have made because of HBXO. I am thankful for the opportunities that I have had (and will have!), and ultimately, I am so thankful for the ability to share my life + help, inspire, and entertain others. Because of this failure, I feel more wholly happy.

And you know what the coolest thing is? You can’t “un-be” an artist (or anything, really). It’s not lost. You can always change your mind again + chase that dream again. Isn’t that so liberating?!

I choose to create in my life every day + live my life as artfully and beautifully as I can. Sure, my medium isn’t acting, but it definitely feels creative and wonderful and makes my heart all warm + fuzzy.

I think it’s super important that we do what makes us happy regardless of how scary it feels to admit that the dream we were chasing isn’t the dream anymore. It is super important that we do what makes us happy regardless of the initial feeling of loss. Because when we are brave and choose happiness, it allows (and gives permission to) others to chase their happy too. And isn’t that really what life’s all about?!

Have you experienced failure? Have you had a hard time re-defining your purposes? Is there a dream that you wish you were chasing but aren’t?! Please let me know in the comments below so I know I’m not alone on this!

As always, thanks for reading my friends.

XO